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  • Writer's pictureTetsu

That genuine smile…

“Ahem… Good evening, my dear friends. Tonight, you’ll be all very pleased. Oh, yes. Very, very pleased. Why, you ask? Because tonight we’re having a tremendously pleasant guest. A faithful member of our preservative faction and the famous author of “How to Smile the Hell Out of Your Opponent” – why, it’s none other than the beautiful Miss Vetsy da Boss herself!”

“Good evening, Dr. Bangloss, and thank you for having me.” 😁

“Good evening, Miss da Boss, it’s all my pleasure. You have such a charming smile! Please, have a sit. Here, in this cha— Aaah! M-miss da Boss! My f-foot! You are putting a chair leg on my foot! 😣

“Ah, I am so sorry to hear this, Dr. Bangloss. It probably hurts a lot.” 😁

“Yes, it does!! DAMN!! AAAAAH!!!” 😖

“Oh, don’t worry, Dr. Bangloss, I shall remove it in a moment.” 😁


… 😁

“AAAAAAAAAAAH!... Oh, good gracious… At last you… ugh… my poor foot… Now I see that the rumors are true: your smile, Miss da Boss, is, indeed, a dreadful weapon. I’ve always wondered how you came to be so successful in the debates with changists-alterists. But the outcome speaks for itself: 17 cases of stroke and 8 cases of infarction! That’s what you call efficiency, eh? Hehehehe. I am delighted you always smash them into pieces – those nasty people, those—"

“Not people, Dr. Bangloss. Peeplings.” 😁

“Of course, of course! So how can you smile so genuinely during the debates? That’s a true mystery for me. You must’ve done some rigorous training.”

"No mystery at all, Dr. Bangloss. When I see those peeplings getting all flustered and worked up, I just can’t help but smile. This is such a bliss – to look at those distorted red faces. 😁 Feelings of happiness and satisfaction overwhelm me – and I smile, and smile, and smile. And the more I smile, the more pissed off those peeplings become. Ah! The view is so beautiful!” 😁

“Absolutely, Miss da Boss.”

“The peeplings must learn who’s da boss there.” 😁

“Indeed. Now let me hear your opinion on one particular matter, which is of interest to us all. The letter… Ahem, where did I put that damn letter? Ah, here it is! The author, Mister… Mister… Putkin-Rasputkin? Khm… Strange. I’m pretty sure the author was someone else. Well, let’s see what he writes.

I hereby declare that I start invasion of Gridan— “WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?! What invasion? Good gracious, some restless idiots surely do not know how to entertain themselves in-between patches. Listen, dear Mister… um… Pupkin. Raspupkin. Whatever. You don’t have to invade anything. Just use an aetheryte to teleport to Gridania, Dravania, Gyr Abania or any other God-forsaken place that strikes your fancy. No, Miss da Boss, this is not the letter I wanted to read, I’m sorry. Please, help yourself with some tea while I’m looking for the right one.”

“The letter was… khem… What was it about? Ah! Right! Aetherytes! It was about aetherytes! Yes, here we go.”

Dear Dr. Bangloss,

I have a suggestion about aetheryte tickets. If you have them, you get an additional confirmation dialog, which pops up every time you are about to teleport. ‘Use an aetheryte ticket to teleport free of charge?’ – answering this question time and again is annoying – especially if you are in a hurry to teleport (which is a common situation in case of hunts, for example). Wouldn’t it be better if we have an option in the user settings, specifying the minimal teleportation cost for the use of tickets? If the cost is lower than the user-specified value, the ticket is not used; otherwise – it is used automatically. In my opinion, this solution would simplify the interface and make it—

“Blah, blah, blah. So, Miss da Boss, what do you think about the suggestion of this… hehehe, peepling?”

“A load of baloney, of course – but there is a bigger problem, Dr. Bangloss. A bigger problem.” 😁

“Indee Eh? A problem? What problem?”

“My dear Doctor, we should look at the bigger picture! The entire system of public aetheryte-based teleportation is absolutely ineffective. It should be dismantled and replaced with the traditional, proven system of private chocobo porters, which, as we all know, produces excellent results! 😁

“P-p-porters?! Oh my… Miss da Boss, you are truly one of the deepest and boldest preservative thinkers of our time. But… erm, what about personal mounts, which everyone has in plenty? Don’t they make those chocobo porters obsolete?”

“The system of personal mounts is absolutely unnecessary and should be dismantled as well. Just remember, dear Doctor! Remember those blessed times when players did not have any mounts!” 😁

“Hahaha, ha… Yes, those were… ugh… blessed times indeed. But again, back to private porters… aren’t those a bit expensive? I mean… there surely must be… um… some special discounts for some special frien—"

“Expensive? Discounts? What are you talking about, dear Bangloss? Everyone is eager to pay a fair price for the comfort and exclusive services during the travel. You surely have not forgotten how marvelous it was when you travelled with “Da Boss Porters, Inc.”, have you?” 😁

“O-o-of course not! How could I, it cost me a fortu— I mean it was marvelous! Absolutely marvelous! Kha… Kha-kha… Oh dear, look at the time! Alas, my friends, we have to wrap it up. I’ll see you all lat— Aaaah! M-miss da Boss! Y-you are pouring tea over my cup! Onto my knee! Stop it! 😣 Aaaaah! BLIMEY!! STOP SMILI-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-EEEEEE!!!” 😖


Tags: #TetsuScribbles; #BanglossEvenings; #FFXIV; #FF14; #finalfantasy; #satire; #BetsyDevos

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