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  • Writer's pictureTetsu

A Targeting Trouble

Updated: Nov 30, 2019

Ahem… Good evening, my dear friends, good evening. The evening is not good, of course – of which, I am sure, you’d all agree. Snowing again, eh? Preposterous!

Ahem…. Anyway, here we are tonight – to discuss some correspondence which I receive from my countless fans and admirers. Let us choose a letter… khem… this one, all rosy and written on a sheet of the finest paper you can find in Ul’dah. Kha-kha… ahem…

Dear Dr. Bangloss,

You won’t believe what a horrible predicament did I get myself into yesterday! But I beg you, fair Doctor, please, please, lend me your ever-attentive ear!

I was – Oh, Nald’thal forgives! Where are my manners? 😣 – Please, let me introduce myself first. My name is Pukti Makukti; I am a daughter of Ducti Makukti, one of the most prominent weavers in Ul’dah. Surely, you’ve heard the name. But that doesn’t matter at all! What matters is that yesterday I happened to mix up in an epic battle with the dreadful Garlok, the Horror of Eastern La Noscea! A call for heroes to fight him was ringing in every corner of the map, and there they were, of course – numerous heroes, driving their mounts into exhaustion – to rid the realm of this monster as soon as possible. I, too, joined a party and – trying hard not to think about the awful stench – jumped into the heat of battle, readying myself to give the stinkie a good punch in the… um… leg. And then, suddenly – oh, no! – I realized that I couldn’t target Garlok! I banged the <Tab> key of my keyboard as fast as I could – but!... But… it was all in vain… 😢… Suddenly, I remembered what my martial arts teacher told me once: “Pukti”, he said, “when trying to target enemies with the <Tab> key, always look at their HEADS – or whatever they have up there”. “Yes, Master! Thank you!”, thought I and threw my head back – um, I mean… tilted my camera up. AND STILL! And… and still… 😖… The only thing I could see WAS GARLOK’S BELLY! NOT THE HEAD!... Ugh… The <Tab> key still wasn’t working, and I tried to click on that disgusting belly with the mouse – BUT!... But there were other players everywhere, and they always were in the way of mouse clicks! Cursing my own misfortune, I ran back from Garlok, trying to get some distance between us – TO HAVE A GLIMPSE OF HIS DAMN UGLY HEAD!... But... but… When I finally was able to do it and targeted him with the <Tab> key, he bellowed like crazy and… AND… DROPPED ON THE SPOT. He was dead. Already dead. I couldn’t land a single strike on him, and he was ALREADY DEAD! 😭

Why? Oh, why? Why should we, players, always look at the heads of our enemies to target them with hotkeys? It’s so inconvenient! Why can’t we “see” them when they are in close proximity to us? Excuse me, but my nose was virtually pressed against Garlok’s leg, and I saw him perfectly well! And not only SAW, but SME… 😣 Ugh… never mind…

My dear Doctor! Please, forgive me for being so emotional… But this was horrible! Not epic at all! Just horrible! Do you not agree?

With love and admiration,

Pukti Makukti

Ahem… Now, my lovely Miss Pukti, what should I say? I say – you are absolutely right. Yes! That was horrible. The fact that a young, noble lady like yourself would forget decorum and start peering at the lower body parts of some stinky monster is absolutely horrible. Such an indecency. What were you thinking about, I wonder? Believe me, young lady, nothing good would come from inappropriate behavior like this. Heed my word, dear Miss Pukti, stop hanging out with those dirty lots – I mean pugilists and the likes of them – and think about pursuing a noble calling. For starters, start weaving.

And now… ahem… yes, about the much less important matter that you mentioned. Targeting. My dear miss Pukti! As you, and me, and everyone else perfectly knows, the Creator created Hydaelyn – which is, of course, the best world of all the real and virtual worlds that have ever been or will be – not for tinkering with its noble traditions. No. He created it for the lofty purpose of preserving traditions.

Has it not come to your mind, dear Miss, that in his infinite wisdom, the Creator purposefully forbade us from targeting enemies with hotkeys until their heads are in the field of our view? Yes! He did it on purpose – to prevent the very kind of shameless behavior that you so recklessly succumbed to yesterday. Should we be allowed to hotkey-target enemies on the sole basis of their proximity to us in the X-Y plane, we would immediately start scrutinizing the lower par… khm… that what must not be scrutinized – and the moral devastation of Hydaelyn would be inevitable! All kind of disasters and woes would befall us. The game balance would be irreparably disturbed. The economy would collapse. Both Limsa and Kugane would be swallowed by the sea.

Kha… kha-kha… kha… Now you understand, my lovely Miss Pukti, that we, the preservists, would never allow such a sacrilege as changing our targeting algorithms. Only despicable meddlers from the hidden cult of changists-alterists would dream of such atrocities!

Ahem… Well, I am sure that will never happen. And on this optimistic note, my dear friends, I conclude our rendezvous today. Good night to you all.


Tags: #TetsuScribbles; #BanglossEvenings; #FFXIV; #FF14; #finalfantasy; #satire;

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